3.13.2010

Looking ((Back))

Sorry for the dearth in posting...I injured my back last week, and it's all I can do to keep just the basics of life and business going. In a strange way though, this injury has made me think a lot about this month's theme, NOSTALGIA.

In Feb 2000, I had a similar back problem which escalated to excruciating pain for a month, a nine day hospital stay, a nerve root block, epidural and surgery for a herniated disc. I still think of that time in my life with dread...so this current episode has had a PTSD spin to it. Every morning, I wake up hoping and praying that I'll feel much better. When that doesn't magically occur, I panic for a little while that it's heading in the old direction.

After 12 days in various states of pain and some relief, the only thing I now know for sure is that the past has many faces...sometimes we think about 'the good old days' and sometimes we think back with fear. And sometimes, we don't remember the power that the past holds until it comes back and bites us.

The only real opportunity we have to reframe the past is by facing it during these moments of adversity. So although it's not easy, I am practicing slowing my breathing in moments of fear, to remind my body that I'm not in any danger...I'm practicing imagining the best possible outcome instead of the worst...I'm practicing loosening my grip instead of focusing on 'trying and trying' to create healing.

So how's it going? Some hours, pretty well. Some hours, not. But that's the thing about practice. I don't need to be perfect. I just have to do it in this moment, and then the next, and then the next.

What frightening memories of the past still haunt you? Is there something you do, just one moment at a time, to take the wind out of those scary images? I'd love to know, so we can grow together.

6 comments:

Amanda said...

I hope you feel better soon. I know what pain I was in just for a pulled muscle. Can't imagine what pain you're going through.

Since I turned 13 I've had really thin hair. Every now and then I start losing huge chunks of hair and I start freaking out thinking that this is the time I go completely bald.

nancy said...

You are brave.

And every time I feel even a little bit wierd, I freak out that I'm getting seratonin syndrome again. I should remember the deep breathing!

scrapwordsmom said...

Oh how I feel for you. Several years ago I began having unbearable tooth and facial pain. I would sit in my chair, moaning, sometimes crying from the pain. My kids were little then and I could never hang out with them or my DH because of the pain. We saw several specialist but could never pinpoint what it was. After having a perfectly good jaw tooth pulled and having to get a bridge, going to the ER for painkillers and contemplating suicide I prayed for answers. Guess what? I was inspired to call a massage therapist and a chiropractor. And I did. And that is what began my road to recovery. I was in a car accident years ago and I had whiplash. When my neck gets out it causes the nerves in my face and teeth to HURT!

So now...when the pain becomes unbearable again and I go in for a massage or chiro...and it doesn't work right away. I panic. I think Oh, no I Can't bear to go through that dark period in my life again.

So I understand your fright. Your frustration. Big prayers for you!!!! I hope you find relief very soon:).

Enjoy the Ride said...

I truly hope you are feeling better soon! Back pain is so awful. I remember twisting my back out in college... I was paralyzed with pain for days. I was so afraid it wouldn't go away.

I have panic issues with the common cold. About 12 years ago, I developed a severe case of pneumonia that almost hospitalized me. The odd thing was that it felt like the common cold or a very mild case of the flu... until I woke up with a stabbing pain in my back (around where my lungs were) that wouldn't go away. Now, every time I get sick (like I am now) I start to panic that it's going to be pneumonia again and I won't catch it in time... even though my pneumonia was caused by a fungus (get that?!) and not viral. Deep breathing and working through one moment at a time is the best we all can do!

HUGS!

Michele said...

I have Fibromyalgia. When ever a "flare" starts I freak. It's so hard to function on a daily basis when I'm in that much pain.

full said...

Drive carefully. It is not only cars that can be recalled by their Maker.............................................